29
2 years, 3 months By Allyson
In: Allyson Hibbard
Sigh. Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
No way. 29?
Yes! 29!
Liar.
Why are you being so difficult? Just deal with it!
So, this is the week that I get one year closer to being 30. And I'm really not liking it too much. I pretty much have hated all of my birthdays since I turned 21.There may have been one good one in there, but for the most part, absolutely hated them.
Especially the 21st one since pretty much everybody forgot.
This year, every time I turn around someone is reminding me. And I had done a fairly good job of forgetting that it was coming. I did get my first birthday present today. One of the girls I work with made me birthday cookies. And they were incredibly good. And I'm glad she made them for me.
Out of all the birthdays I've had, I'd say the one that is most memorable is the one that I turned 17. It was the first time and last time that I got to spend my birthday with my dad. We went to see the movie the Fifth Element. Which I had already seen this movie before and loved it, and I convinced my dad to go see it with me. He wasn't too thrilled about the movie but he didn't mind seeing it with me. It's odd. I can't remember anything else about that day at all. Just that I went to see the movie with him. I've only seen one other movie with him and that was when I was about 7 or 8 and we saw the Tom Hanks film BIG. Mom was with us too. That was when my dad had come to visit and he spent a lot of time with my mom and me. Probably the most he'd ever done since he'd left. And he was considering coming back. Mom and I were both hopeful.
But then he left, and I called him on the phone and asked him why. And he just kept talking about how it wouldn't make him happy. And I kept wondering why wouldn't spending time with me make you happy? But I didn't have the guts to ask him. I cried and cried and cried. And he just kept saying don't you want me to be happy? And now in my adult head I think, clearly being a child then crying my eyes out, I was not happy and you don't seem too interested in that either.
Maybe this is why I hate birthdays. Because all the things that went wrong between my dad and me keep coming back to me. And that whole idea of I've never been more important than something going on his life. And I see so many parents that make sacrifices for their kids. But to this day I keep wondering when will I be important enough to be in his life. For him to make the effort. Instead of me always chasing after him. But it's not an episode of Boy Meets World, or Full House. There isn't always a happy ending.
But I have to admit not having him in my life had an effect. Some of it good, some of it not. I'm independent. I was mature way before most kids my age. I have compassion for kids who wound up not having their dad around when they really needed him. My mom was the head of the singles ministry at church, and even though I was 11 or 12, I remember talking to some of the folks who had just gone through divorces and praying for them. And then later hearing them say to my mom, "you know she's just a kid but she really helped me out by talking to me."
The bad effects deal with I still don't have a real relationship with my dad. It's superficial at best. I don't talk about anything real with him. I'm constantly concerned that one day he'll get mad at me for some minor infraction that I was unaware of, and suddenly decide that I'm not worthy to be his daughter. (And for most people this fear would be unfounded except that he has actually disowned me before.)
i have a step dad. We had a rocky relationship to begin with but it's gotten better. But he's my Pete, somewhat different than a dad, but close. Poppy, my mom's dad was probably the closest thing I ever had as a close dad that I could relate to. He loved me unconditionally and made sacrifices for me when he could, baled me out of trouble when I couldn't afford to. And I really miss him. I named my son after him.
He died 2 weeks after Riley my daughter was born. He got to see her before he passed. And he fell in love with her on sight. I remember him telling me that he thought he would never even make it to my graduation. He was really happy to have made it through my high school graduation, my wedding, and getting to see my first kid.
Well, I've rambled on enough. Twenty nine years. How do I handle that? In a lot of ways I still feel like a kid. But I always had looked at folks in their 30s as being adults. And now I'm one step away from that. Sigh. 29.
~Allyson
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