Unforgotten sins
2 years, 2 months By Allyson
In: Allyson Hibbard
Those things I did when I wasn't thinking clearly or considering the consequences that would follow them. And I either don't let myself forget them, or just when I've almost erased them from my memory someone says something that triggers a memory and all those things and feelings come rushing back. It creates a domino effect, of that one thing I did and then followed by all the other rotten things that went in correlation with it. All the emotions. The stinging pang in my chest. The lump in my throat. The heat building in my face. The hot tears trickling down my cheeks.
That inexplicable feeling of being mud and the desire to be alone in a dark room with the curtains drawn closed and the lights turned off.
How many times do I have to pay penance? How long till I do something that you'll decide you don't want me in your life anymore.
I am an impulsive person at times. I do things or say things because in that moment its important. But I don't always go about the best way of doing it. It gets taken the wrong way and it blows up in my face. In the last ten years I've tried really hard to not be that person. To consider my options carefully. But I still manage to make stupid choices. To make things difficult. To hurt the ones I love. And overall feel like a complete failure. But I don't say those things out loud. I keep them to myself. And pretend like everything's fine.
Not sure why I felt like writing this today.
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